We all know that one person. You know, the person who tries to say something helpful in a difficult situation but ends up making things worse. The person who listens to their friend intently as the friend pours out her heart after discovering her spouse’s infidelity only to hear, “Don’t cry sweetie, everything will work out.” Or, after venting about family relationship stressors, this person responds, “Don’t let this get you down, try to focus on the positive!” Or maybe, after learning you were recently laid off from your job, this person tries to “encourage” you by saying, “Well, it could be worse, you could have been fired.” Yes, that person.
Toxic Positivity is a term used to describe the belief that no matter the situation, people should maintain a positive attitude, suppressing any negative feelings or emotions. Toxic Positivity occurs when comments that are expected to encourage and offer comfort and support, actually leaves one feeling unheard, invalidated, and alone. Generally speaking, people who practice Toxic Positivity are not trying to discourage others, on the contrary, they often want to help and feel like they have to say something. For example, when I was in seminary, one of my professors told the story of overhearing someone at a funeral telling the grieving widow, “They are in a better place now.” The grieving widow protested, “The best place for them to be is in my arms!” I’m sure this person was trying to be comforting, however, these words offered little comfort to the grieving widow. My professor told my class that sometimes the willingness to sit on someone’s mourning bench with them is the best thing we can do; simply being present, not saying anything. This is wise counsel.
When we gently allow ourselves to be present with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions
without judgment, we encompass a sense of healing and wellness that is not likely to occur when we deny our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. For some of us, there is a belief that if we are not happy, then there is something wrong with us; for example, maybe we are being self-centered or ungrateful. After all, there are starving children in Africa (how many of you heard this growing up?) This type of perspective is often associated with family of origin; the environment which we were raised in. There are countless quips or phrases that we may have heard growing up that may have communicated if we were not happy then something was wrong with us. Here is a small offering of phrases that may example this type of Toxic Positivity:
You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps = You are not doing enough.
Happiness is a choice = You are choosing to be unhappy.
Life is full of disappointments = Your feelings are not valid.
Suck it up buttercup = You are not strong enough.
Turn that frown upside down = You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You’ll understand better once you are older = You do not get to feel that way now.
“There’s no crying in baseball” (okay, I threw that one in there; pun intended).
These types of messages may convey guilt or shame to the listener. All of these communicate that one’s feelings are not valid. All of these communicate there is something wrong with us. All of these communicate it is not okay to be unhappy. In his book The Happiness Trap (2008), Dr. Russ Harris offers four myths about happiness:
Myth #1. Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings
Myth #2. If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective
Myth #3. To Create a Better Life, We Must Get Rid of Negative Feelings
Myth #4. You Should be Able to Control What You Think and Feel
Dr. Harris goes on to say these four myths set us up for a struggle we simply cannot win. So, how do we combat or avoid Toxic Positivity? There are two facets at work here. First, if you are the one experiencing the feelings or emotions (then we reject Toxic Positivity), and second, if you are the one listening to the person who is experiencing the feelings or emotions (Then we avoid using Toxic Positivity). Here are a few practical steps you can take if you are the one experiencing the feelings or emotions (reject):
1. Be open and authentic about your feelings. You are free to feel what you feel. You do not have to qualify, defend, or explain your feelings or emotions.
2. Take a moment to experience your feelings or emotions without judgment. Allow them to be present. Try to identify and name your feelings and emotions.
3. Do not be afraid to confront the person who is being toxic to you. Use ‘I feel’
statements when challenging this person. For example, ‘When you say…, I feel…’
Here are a few practical steps you can take if you are the one listening to person who is experiencing the feelings or emotions (avoid):
1. Practice active listening. Being an active, or present, listener means we are not listening to respond, rather, we are listening intently to understand and engage with the speaker. Also use reflective listening. Reflective listening is seeking to understand the speaker’s idea, and then offering the idea back to the speaker using your own words. Think ‘mirroring’ and ‘paraphrasing.’
2. Listen non-judgmentally. Refrain from making judgments of right or wrong, shoulds or musts. Rather, consider validating the feelings or emotions.
3. Be willing to sit on someone’s mourning bench (or whatever bench) with them.
Most of us want to be positive and helpful to those around us. Most of us want to be better listeners and encouragers. Most of us want to love on and support our family and friends when they are hurting. When we practice intentionally during these types of conversations, when we practice active listening, reflective listening, and validation, we will be in a better position to be that person for our family and friends. None of us want to be that other person.
References
Harris, R., & Hayes, S. (2008). The happiness trap. London: Robinson.
Dr. Troy Masengale is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Christian Counseling Center of Battle Creek.
